Trying to please all the people around us all of the time, is a recipe for disappointment and a miserable lifestyle. It is unreasonable to even think that we can please everyone all of the time.
In my life’s experiences, I’ve noticed a clear 80-20 rule. If we please 80% of the people around us 20% of the time, that’s absolutely great. At the same time, 20% of the people around us will be displeased with us 80% of the time. Therefore, I’m sure you can see that it is absolutely impossible to please everyone around us all the time.
This article is birthed from my own difficult personal experiences and how I am still learning to over-come my unhealthy lifestyle. I’m hoping that someone else may take away some valuable information from here to help them in changing their lifestyle into a healthier one.
Refocus Conditioning From My Formative Years
As a child, I was brought up to obey my parents and to do what I was told. I knew that if I wanted my parents’ approval, I needed to do what they told me to do. Let me stop here and say that there is nothing wrong with that scenario – for children who are in the process of growing up and still learning about life.
However, as an adult, I learned that my focus needed to change from incessantly pleasing others to making my own wise choices from all the information around me. Ultimately, I was responsible for the choices I made, whether dictated to me by others or chosen on my own.
That didn’t mean that I should now completely ignore the advice from those around me. It just meant that I needed to put their advice/opinions into proper perspective. I needed to develop my own personal decision-making process by using all available information around me. I learned that advice from others can be invaluable but should NOT be used exclusively as the basis for any decisions affecting my life.
As a child, I would strive to please my parents to achieve approval, but as an adult, I needed to place the emphasis on making good choices for my life instead, which would ultimately provide self-confidence and satisfaction.
Dealing with Rejection
All my life, I wanted approval, acceptance and appreciation from others around me. To add an additional variable to this mix, I have a very difficult time dealing with rejection from others. I continually judge myself by the reactions, toward me, from others. I grew to hate who I was because I interpreted the rejection from others as a direct link between who I was and who I should be. I never seemed to quite “measure up” to the standards set by others.
To avoid dealing with the painful emotion connected to rejection, I would strive even harder to gain the approval of others by trying to please them more. The only thing I knew to do was doing what I learned as a child – comply with what others thought I should do. I hoped that through this submissive action, I would achieve their approval and perhaps avoid that dreaded feeling of rejection. If they approved, I thought that I might just have a small chance at finally measuring-up to those seemingly “unachievable standards” set by others.
Unfortunately, this is how I ended up living my life. I lived my life for others and, in the process, my uniqueness, as an individual was totally lost. This unhealthy lifestyle is filled with nothing but constant disappointments and hurt feelings. It’s like going from one bad experience to another, without any break.
Life became one miserable and vicious circle of co-dependency, as I tried even harder to please others and “buy” their approval. This put me right in the center of a very unhealthy lifestyle cycle.
Unhealthy And Unhappy Lifestyle Cycle
Below is a diagram depicting the “Unhealthy Lifestyle Cycle” that had become mine.
Unhealthy and Unhappy Lifestyle Cycle
My cycle focused totally on pleasing others to win that brief moment of acceptance/approval. When I could not achieve this, the result was an intense feeling of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself.
This resulted in a new and more vigorous attempt at gaining that most sought-after approval/acceptance from others. From there the cycle starts all over again, never achieving a feeling of self-confidence or self-worth.
This vicious cycle consumes a tremendous amount of energy and only produces high-stress and an incredibly unsatisfied, miserable life.
The ability to change this unhealthy cycle is difficult at first. I started by making one small conscientious change at a time until each change became routine. Soon it was easier and easier to implement small changes that produced positive results. Each little change produced a little more satisfaction and self-confidence.
I am still working at it and having more success with each passing day.
Healthy and Happy Lifestyle Cycle
Listed below is the ultimate lifestyle cycle that I have mapped out for myself.
Healthy and Happy Lifestyle Cycle
I can’t promise that I won’t fail at it occasionally, but I don’t have to remain fastened to the Unhealthy Cycle any more. Now that I can see it written down, it becomes more obvious where changes need to be made.
In conclusion, the best thing I can do for myself is to be who I am and make the best choices for my life – not choose what I think would make others around me happy. I am confident in who I am and if people do not approve of me or accept me that is their choice. They have a right to their choices, the same as I do.
If I spend all my time trying to gain the approval/acceptance of the people around me, I may have just wasted my time on the wrong people. I am learning to find the right people, who will add value to my life. There are plenty of people in this world, that I haven’t even met yet, who are willing and able to add great positive value to my life. I can’t wait to meet them all!
What’s Good About Today? A healthy and happy lifestyle cycle is a matter of choice not an unchangeable inherited characteristic!
Check out my website: motivation-4-success.com
